Show me the world and I will run away.
Tell me what is right and I will choose wrong.
Its only natural, Its only natural.
Show me reality and I will choose my own.
I am human, its only natural.

I hold on to the past, with my heart all wrapped up in it. I don't know how to let it go. I want it now, I want it here, I want it for real. Let it go. Let me go. I don't know how, I don't want to, I won't. I'm confused and lost, and should just let it go. But I don't know how, I don't want to, I won't.

Conflict resides and strives inside of my heart and soul. Desire wrestles logic and neither prevail. My heart hurts but won't let go. I cry out to whoever listens to answer my prayers and rescue the one I pray for. Have my chances left or will the opportunity to recover my follies arise? Love fights with concious and I don't know who will win, its not for me to decide. Its up to the one my internal workings fight over.

What I Imagine You Would Say To Me If You Could Find The Words

Don't give up on me, I am scared lost and fragile. I need your guidance, your love and kindness. I need your patience and protection. Thanks for your understanding as I fight my way through the messes I find myself in. I don't mean to hurt you and know that I do, and for that I apologize. I hope I come out on the other side strong and ready to return your kindness.
Thank you.

Innocence is becoming, but naivety will make you laughing stock. Ignorance is bliss but knowledge is best. Wisdom is lost.

The plight of a parent: Children hold all their parents' imperfections against them. While parents consider all their children's imperfections as their own failures as parents.

Really? I doubt it. If so I don't know where or how. Dark stretches on and I am alone in the midst of it. The fog rises to more fog. I know I am and will be, but don't know where I am going or if I am even going anywhere. I feel all alone as I go there though.

If there was a god, he would make you love him.
He would make the wind blow in his favor
And the storms would always pass around
If there was a god the rain would fall warm on him
He would not feel the cold snow fall
And we would all bow begging for his mercy
If there was a god I would close my eyes forever
He would make this pain go away for good
And he would give you what your really deserve
If there was a god, he would make me love him

Think about it, the sun rises and sets everyday, but it isn't truth.
Gravity makes the apple to fall to the earth but even that can stop.
I don't have the answers but can't stop searching for them.
I look under rocks, in the treetops, old philosophy books.
I find very little, bits here, pieces there but I search on.
Perhaps someday it will all fit together and make sense

I would have died for you
The epitome of cliche but it is true
Now I cry for you and the pain you feel
I have to realize I can't take it away
It will only create more of my own.
Whiskey won't wash away your disregard
Nothing will wash away your foolishness.
I can't make it right, we can't, you can.

What have I become? The earth still revolves around the sun, that hasn't changed. But I have, I just don't know how.

The truth is that as the night rolls in and the sun gives way I need someone to hold tight. I need to care for someone. It helps me forget who I am and covers up the pain I hide.

Deposit you soul in mine and leave me empty inside. I am tangled up in you but have to leave you behind, make you history. I have to start anew and for that I am sorry. I love you more than anything, and still do. You taught me to love, made me capable of it. But now I move on and am scared to death. You helped me way more than I ever helped you. And for that I thank you. You are an amazing person. The best. Good luck. I love you. Goodbye my lover.

My feet move forward while my eyes look back? My heart stays still and beats with pain. It pumps not blood but feels like it pumps lead.

Wash your hands in the corruption of my soul.

What have I become? A sleepless fool, and all for you. But you don't care. Not at all.

I walk around through the world all alone. The faces turn to look and my mind is on you, and only you. How do I win this game we play. How to we unite and become the one we want to be, forever. You are hot when I am cold, and cold when I am hot. All I have is the best of intentions. I can't build you a castle but you are the princess of my heart. Come to me someday.

I open the door and look into the world. It stares back at me and asks for mercy. I feel not, care not except for one and She knows who she is. Beautiful blond hair like a field of barley ready for harvest. Her soft fair skin. She isn't mine but I wish she were with everything I had. I could have her and someday I will. Now I only dream of her.

Delicately balancing on the edge of the world centimeters from falling into wrong but not in right. The difference between it all is where I am, the thin line between love and hate.

Who am I to you? A toy to entertain you? A blanket to keep you warm? Or a dream help you sleep? Whatever I am it hurts inside and out. I feel like a toy want to play with. A blanket you use for comfort. A dream you instill in my heart then show me reality is far different.

The beautiful things are untouchable, if you do touch them they always hurt you. Break you inside for becoming attached. Beauty outside equals a tainted inside. Its the story of Dorian Gray. Leave the beauty alone, protect yourself.

What is it about the night? I cant sleep and the thoughts run rampant. It haunts me and my eyes won't shut.

Forgiven by the sun and haunted by the moon. My eyes are wide open as it judges me through the squinting slits between the blinds. The sun will soon greet me with a yawn and I will hide from it for a short while. Wants escape with their desires on their back while I am left here longing for something other then her to hold close at night. Drift away into a fantasy only to be awaken by a nightmare. Silence the singing and start dancing. Dance away with her into a different life you get paid to watch the sunset. Leave soon so I can have you and we can dance all we want. So that the Moon will forgive and the sun will stay too long.

Pleasure dances at your door while duty lazily sleeps in your easy chair. Happiness was taken away the other day and you are afraid to open the door to the pleasures dancing there. You know you should though

Dear you,
We have been over this before.
Before we have practically been one.
We shared everything, every day, every thought.
You said you wanted it to be forever. I did to.
Your actions prove differently. Pain.
You say you don't know why. I believe you.
You need help. I can't fix you.
It won't magically change.
This is me protecting my heart.
Goodbye my love.
I loved you with everything I had

Right is wrong and wrong is right. It is all whatever you want it to be. A house is a shoe and a shoe a boat. Let go and let live. Twirl away into the far distance. Forget their lies and dreams, right isn't always right and wrong isn't always wrong. Remember friend, remember.

The decision hangs directly in front of us no matter which way we look. Its as though we are caged in by it and our misfortune. We ask question like "why is it so hard?" Its an excellent question but here we sit dangling from a rope with hungry lions before us and a cackling God above sawing at the rope with dull knife. Will he pull us up or just keep cutting strands on the rope until we fall into unbearable pain. Here we hang in indecision with a decision that isn't ours to make. We are incapable yet the weight is entirely on us.

Talking to the walls. They have to listen. They have no where to go, and can't speak back. All else are waiting for their turn to talk, complain.

I have thought about it for quite a while, but maybe not long enough.
I am still lost without an answer and for that I apologize.
Dreams fill my waking hours and I sleep without dreams.
When the rain falls I wander through it without getting wet.
When the sun shines I find myself drenched.
When you wrap your arms around me I pull away.
Push my away and I will fight to hold you close.
The sun bakes down on my head and I sweat.
The sweat leads to smell and the smell to stench.
Do with it what you will.
My mind will carry me far and my feet will bring me back again.
My heart will always remain in distant lands unknown to all
But one single soul that has seen the inner workings of mine.
A simple kiss of innocence shared with an unknown.
I am broken but it is the only way I feel whole.

Witlessly I do, wistfully I go.

drought

Kept alive by bad decisions.

Words are unnecessary, actions unfair. Honesty lost on all, I care for your feelings but you don't care for mine. Its a mess really this thing we call humanity. What can I get from you? Listen to me but I won't do the same. Selfishness is the name of the game. Selfishness is the game.

I am happy when I don't think.. When I think and am reflective i become filled with angst and unrest. Which is better?

There is nothing more to say....It has all been said. It has been said well and it has been said poorly.

Drink up the beauty that glistens in the sun. Don't ignore, however, the beauty that sparkles with rain drops. Its all equal, neither is better than the other, its all equal. The secret is to appreciate it all.

I don't get it. She fascinated me. Her scent, her beauty, her confidence. Perhaps I felt sorry for her. She was beautiful, fascinatingly beautiful. Maybe I will see her again.

Don't allow ignorance it will only cause pain. Apathy is permissible far before ignorance.

I want it and I work for it. Do they notice? Not sure. Maybe someday I will know. I won't know everything though. Never will. I cant decide if I am just caring or curious. Either way it is craziness.

Paint your face and hide behind what is not real. Become who you want to be so that you can smile with ease and be proud of yourself. If it gets you through the day do whatever it takes.

Grab the sunshine from the sky with your little feeble hand and use it to highlight your dreams. The wind will bring them to life for you and you will be thankful. The truth is it is not real. Every dream dies like just like everything else does, hope goes with it. Cynicism is a convenience for the young and a reality for the experienced.

Put clever aside and gather beauty around. I search and struggle for clever things to say. They are me but is it worth the effort? Its a shame to waste it. Its a shame to give it. Take me by the hand and let me follow you to a place far away where i can become what I should.
Goodbye, goodnight.

The disappointment of youth is not consoled by the freedom that comes with age. Yesterdays love is gone, but tomorrow will bring new romance. Purpose seems to inconveniently elude my consciousness. Friends will betray for their own convenience, I will do the same to an undeserving friend. Loneliness is my consolation prize. I will drive the country roads counting the bugs as they gather on the windshield. The sun will shine down as it always does with nothing to interrupt its hot burning rage. I will continue to wonder about the past and wander reluctantly towards the future.
Freely I will wander pretending that there is limitless liberty, while deep down inside knowing there is none. The sun shines brightly outside and I will crawl shamefully into the comfort of my bed to sleep away the day. Hope hides in the closet below piles of rarely warn clothes, and boxes of unnecessary purchases. But there is no hope found there. Freedom is found on top of the dresser, and on the floor next to the bed.
Its true. I am lost. But no one understands. They don't care to listen and would not understand if I were able to make the effort to attempt and explain it. I usually have the best of intentions, for some reason it fails. Its like a dog licking to make friends. Its rarely appreciated but he means only the best.

What's your name? I know its fake, but I will tell you mine. Here is a few dollars, I can't afford them but its worth it all. The music blares, I pretend to care. I want to go home and close my eyes. I want to sleep. So goodnight.

I write words I never should. Disclose my soul, my heart, my mind. I encode them but sometimes not enough. Interpret as you wish, sometimes I care, sometimes I don't. Inside is a monster, be very careful. I hide it almost everywhere but here. I disguise it here with riddles but here is where I put it in the open for you to learn about the evil that exists. I hope you are disappointing. I have to tell someone. Its the confession not the priest's absolution that clears a conscious. Here it is all of it. All the evil actions and thoughts, here for you to read. Interpret as you want. I already feel better whether you read it or not.

Thankfully the sun goes down and the dark comes to hide my sin. I sleep in your arms, its warm there. And comfortable. I know it shouldn't be but it is. I can't deny the pleasure I get from your soft skin and gentle scent. Your beautiful face is better to wake up to than the wall. The whiskey is no longer necessary when there is you to hold tight.

You reveal yourself to me. It scares me but fascinates me so I stay and watch with delight. I wonder where this will go and whether I will be pleasured. However, I am sure that this is a game of Russian roulette. Someone will get hurt. Lets enjoy each other in the meantime.

Once again curiosity gets the best of me. Curiosity of self and curiosity of those all around. Those that worship themselves and those that reveal themselves. Some lack respect for others some lack respect for themselves.

Boredom is the breeding grounds for trouble and the spring board to insanity.

Here it sits on the tip of my tongue. I can't express it, I don't know how to turn this figment of thought into words.

I think that sometimes when I say "I don't know," I really don't. Its as though I am lost in a gigantic forest. But I don't even know where the forest is. So when I get out of the forest I will still be in a foreign land, I won't know where that land is and how to get back to where I am supposed to be. I am also unable to make this unfamiliar world my new home. They won't accept me for who I am. I don't want to change, that would be a lie. So perhaps being lost in this forest is the best way to be true to myself.

I am mesmerized by the illusions you choose to embrace. A smile here a smile there. Frowns always inside so i sit here nonchalantly questioning your reality, and my reality. Answers are never found and questions seem to multiply exponentially. Your smile grows while my grin fades. Your faith grows while my faith implodes. Your God saves while mine abandons. Your world you waste while I consider mine. You claim to care but only worry about yourself. I sit here late at night with drink in hand while you sleep like a baby in your ignorance. I have abandoned your truth while you have abandoned all reality. You seek out lies while I seek out truth. You except all that is false while i run away from it. You preach your damned foolishness, I try my best to escape it. Go on living your lie and I will continue living my own.

How is one to sleep when the whiskey is all drank up?
And how is one to stay warm when all the women have gone home?

You sit there and stair back at me.
I can't touch you but in my mind you are always there.
That gorgeous soft blond hair.
The soft lips, and blue eyes that match my own.
You white skin that looks so fragile,
almost to fragile to touch.
Your inner soul is more fragile,
do I dare touch it and risk damaging it?
Do i have more to gain than lose.
Its not a math equation.
It never should be.
Matters of the heart should be solved by the heart
not on paper or even with the mind.
Teach me to shut of my mind so that my heart can be happy.
Which should come first?
Which is stronger?
Heart?
or
Mind?

Satisfaction is for the simple, the ignorant. Who are you to be completed? Am I to be content or not? I am confused. Which is it? Shall I continue to learn or abandon my self and become who you want me to be. A lie, a vicious lie. A waste. A waste of all. Everything.

Where did you go last night? You certainly didn't search me out. I found you this morning and asked you source of your beauty. You had a satisfactory answer. Show me more of your beauty. All of your beauty I want to see the beauty you haven't shown anyone before. Your forbidden and hidden beauty.

They say things, I don't believe them. What do they really know. Maybe everything, maybe nothing. I guess we will see in the end.

Limbo

Here I sit in the corner of the room I share. No thinking happens here but many thoughts do happen. Confusing I know, but such is life. I write words I shouldn't and don't write words I should.

What is the word? Conundrum?

My eyes strain to open, here we go again. The same thing, different day. One day closer to nothing, or maybe everything. Either way yesterday was wasted and today promises the same fate.

As the world falls down everything dances, dances around us in joy, full of glee. Hold tight to the world as it falls and they dance on around you. Spin world to your death, and everything will dance around.

Deprived Heart
Leave the soul lacking.
The tyranny of world.
The abortion all Love.
Sad music, reminding
All blends into Single.
Memories of the past.
Forgotten? Never, never
Dreams of to come
Happen? never, Never
Salvation escapes,
Beauty,Love, gone.
Sits, sits thinks, Stop
Sleep, fire, sleep, Drink
Goodnight, goodnight
world Stop, never Stop

I don't know how to do it. I don't know where to start. I lack the discipline and desire. Why run from something you want? I don't understand. This world is turning upside down possibly to never be righted again.

Stand there and worship yourself in the name of someone greater. You know they cheer for you, and if they don't you pretend they do. There song feeds you, your ego grows with each sentence. All the while you lie with your lips every word you utter.

I don't know where it all went wrong
I don't know what i should have said
I don't know who i am and that's where it all begins
I don't know where I am going
And I don't know what words have been said
I know who you are and what you need
I know what needs to be done
I don't know what keeps me from it
I don't know why I am so afraid.
I don't know what I am so afraid of.
I think its because I am afraid
I am afraid of hurting you and being hurt.
I am afraid of letting some one in
I am afraid of leaving my comfortable world
I am afraid of losing you though
So what do I do? Nothing like usual
Maybe for once I will do what I know needs to be done

the words have been drained from this pencil
Sweet words that I want to give you
And I can't sleep
I need to tell you
Goodnight

When we're together, I feel perfect
When I'm pulled away from you, I fall apart
All you say is sacred to me
Your eyes are so blue
I can't look away
As we lay in the stillness
You whisper to me


Promise you'll stay with me
Oh you don't have to ask me
You know you're all that I live for
You know I'd die just to hold you
Stay with you
Somehow I'll show you
That you are my night sky
I've always been right behind you
Now I'll always be right beside you

So many nights I cried myself to sleep
Now that you love me, I love myself
I never thought I would say this
I never thought there'd be You

Maybe I was all wrong, perhaps the sun rises in the west and drops in the east. Maybe everything is relative and truth is a thing for and of the ignorant. I wandered to the edge of it all to see what it looked like and was not surprised by what I saw. I saw nothing. There is nothing on the edge of oblivion. It is all what you make it and more. You will find what you want to find. It will be there waiting for you just like you want it to be.

As usual the words escape me. And as usual I don't know why. How are you today?

Dance with me. Take me by the hands and let me twirl you around and around and around. I will surely step on your feet. I hope you can forgive me. I will try to step lightly if I do. I am not very good at dancing but I promise I will make up for it in every other way. So please forgive my lack of coordination and lack of rhythm.

The sun disappeared behind the distant hills tonight and I watched from my vantage point behind glass.

I stood alone with only the night standing by my side
Distant noises came quietly floating on the cold air
They haunted us filling us with chills all through
Our hearts were brilliantly captured with fear
The sinews in our bodies were incapable of moving
So there we stood. Me and the night, alone.

Believe it or now here we are gain. Late at night and I can't sleep... I don't know why. Maybe because its because I quit drinking every night. Maybe its because I have too much on my mind. Perhaps because my air mattress popped and I have been sleeping on the floor. Who knows.

Its like a dream, but a sad one. Not scary just sad. Here I soberly sit, alone, pondering the meaning of this all. Asking myself, What have I become? Without regrets, as usual. Life is to short for that, but numbed by what has happened. Where has the time gone and where will it go? It is sure to leave us and again a year from now and two years from now I will sit here and write similar words. Avoiding life and responsibility. Perhaps this is the way to live. I have finally realized that life is not pain free as I have been taught to believe by all. Or maybe I just let myself believe that. Its like a dream but it isn't one. It is still sad though, and its always scary. I lied. I do care. It hurts to see you alone and sad.

We waste it all away one day at a time. Never bothering to open our eyes and look around. The sun rises everyday and the sun set every evening. Its not always all the same but when do we bother to pay attention?

When the tears roll freely down life's rosy cheeks.

They pranced through the forest of ignorance unaware of the inevitable death to come. We followed along behind them unaware that we would share the same fate. We pretended it was not going to happen to us. We also pretended they would not soon be falling to their gruesome death. We chose to ignore the fact we were chasing them to our destruction. Why don't we stop them? We are afraid to disagree, we are afraid to be unpatriotic. Ignorance is only bliss for a short while. It always end poorly.

Here I sit late at night wondering why it didn't work and hoping that someday it will. But all the while I ask myself why. Why is it like this? Why do I want it to work? There are 20 good reasons for and against each option so what am I to do.

I recollect the places I have been and the people I have hurt. I haven't been very far but I have hurt several. Several have hurt me as well. I guess that is part of life. Who am I am where am I going?

As the sun goes down the children go inside to play. Their mothers relax and their fathers watch tv. The stars will twinkle on and the moon continues to orbit the earth but we don't care. We never will. Most sadly think the earth orbits them and their earth is the center of it all.

I am now simply my own with no one else to worry about. But I don't know what to do. I am afraid to take advantage of this new freedom. Probably because I didn't what this freedom to begin with. Freedom can be bad. And it is a very good thing that we rarely take advantage of the freedoms we do have.

Numb

The day's confusion sits across the table from me and stares at me. Its as if it is taunting me, rubbing its surprise in my face. So here I sit contemplating it all. What did I do wrong and is it all for the best? These are questions that overwhelm me. What do I do next? This is another. While yesterday seemed normal and so did this morning now everything is different. All is changed now. Everything I though I knew I no longer know. Who do I blame? Myself? Them? No...they know who they are.

No one is here. Perhaps I am all alone. Loneliness leads to desperation and desperation breeds foolishness. Foolishness ends in either regrets or a good story to tell. Sometimes both.

When you look at me I don't want to look back. You are beautiful but I don't want you. You stare at me across the bar but I won't go home with you. Get used to it. Yes, perhaps I am beautiful but you won't be able to get your hands on me. I will look back at you and maybe say a few words but I will go home alone. And sleep alone. You won't get your hands on me and I won't appologize. Yes she is beautiful. She is worth it all. She is worth going home alone and turning you down. I hope you sleep well tonight. Alone as I do.

Half the world away
And here I sit. Thinking
Thinking of you.
Why so far away
Why can't I be with you.
Sorry I don't make more time for you
Sorry I am not closer
Sorry I don't have a plan
Come back soon
Come back to me
Hold, hug, kiss love
Please? thank you.

When the dreams that float through your head they will leave you lost in the fright of their uncertainties. Occasionally your dreams will bring you humor but only very rarely. Sometimes you will be lost in your dreams and sometimes you will find what you weren't even looking for. Happiness is found in dreams. Truth is found in death.

The clouds didn't hide the sun today. It made me happy and I wandered around in it. I watched the squirrels fight as an old lady left seeds for them. The grass was still muddy so I stayed on the sidewalk. I wondered what it would be like to be a squirrel. I watched the water in the river. It was muddy. I also wondered what it would be like to be a goose. Geese were all around scavaging in the muddy lawns for a bite of food here and there. Young moms took their children to the park to play. One beautiful mom brushed her kid off with a little broom before she let her in her new car. Two tall black men in nice suits walked with a short white man who wasn't dressed nearly as well. They talked loudly about the beautiful sunny day. One women handed me a pamphlet as we walked across the street. The pamphlet contained bible verses and told me how to become a christian. I read it and wondered if it made sense to people that didn't grow up in the church. I left in on a bench. Another lady asked me for a dollar. I gave it to her for some reason and wondered as I walked away what she would spend it on.

I was asked the meaning of it all and I wasn't given an answer. No one had an answer. They never do. Rather they have their misconceptions and their faith they try to write off as truth. Here I sit with my own misconceptions and lack of faith. I search for truth but find none. Look for meaning and come up lacking. I strive for direction but end up lost.

I had a lot to drink and felt things I didn't mean to. I dont want to care for you I don't want to miss you but I have to, I don't know why. You are so far away but I want you near. Its never easy I wish you would let me in, and be honest with me. Nevermind me I am just lonely. You make me lonely and make me want more. Its ok when we go on our walks I enjoy our talks and your smile.

Sometimes I think to much and find myself bothered by the ignorant thought of others around me. Why bother thinking about things that don't matter. Who cares what the universe looked like before it was created. It doesn't affect right now in any way.

When things fall apart and a friend disappears it is sad. Especially when it is over something stupid and don't bother to ask you if the accusation is true. Why are people so quick to abandon their friends? Why are friends the last ones we believe? And it hurts everyone so bad, and its sad because it could all be avoided. Only if we communicated better. Only if people didn't try to sabotage and we were all capable of trust and honesty. Honesty, if it was valued more maybe love would be more prevalent and not so painful.
Frustration and dissapointment consume me. Why do these things happen and why do they hurt so bad?

Where hate goes in the name of love we all follow.

The road winds throught he countryside over hills and through orchards.  I don't know here its going but I wander on.  It leads me through barren fields that have been long harvested.  Pastures with cattle grazing, and trashy homes with more than their share of abandoned cars.  Why I am writing of this though i don't know.  I wander on in life and word.  Share with me some of your certainty.  

I am not alone anymore, but for some reason I still feel awfully lonely

When the rain fell last night I was struggling to sleep but thoughts were racing through my mind. Doubts, ideas, and conflict.  Dreams wouldn't come, my eyes wouldn't even close.  What is the cause of this? Why can't I sleep? Why do the things that should matter don't, and the things that shouldn't... bother me the most.  

I think....Maybe that is the problem.  However when I just do I get into problems as well.  I am not going to sit at home and stare at a wall, that would be to arrest my development, to deny myself life.   

Do you ever feel lost and confused?  And what makes it worse is that there are people that are expecting you to take care of them.  How am I supposed to care for them and offer answers when I can't care for myself?  

What do we really want? We will never really know. We are all confused, looking for happiness and something to fulfill us. Sad as it is it never will. Should we just give up? or should we carry on looking to put smiles on our faces for a few fleeting seconds.