Over the last few years as I searched high and low for truth, and God, I always searched deep, and complicated things.  Now as I have given over to attempt living a "godly" life I am digging in deep, picking up complicated books, and Brian "Head" Welch has helped me understand that I am a baby, I need to be able to crawl before I walk. I need baby food! I need to start at the beginning. I need to know the what's before I start asking the why's.  I need to figure out where I am where I am going before I start asking how I am gonna get there.  I guess its like a dance.  I need to learn the steps before I start trying to add the colorful moves. 

We all need a purpose to live.  When we are children it is easy. Everything is a mystery. We understand little and even the little things we understand are filled with wonder. As we grow older we think we understand more, and the wonder fades, it takes more to surprise us, more to entertain, more to complete us. 

I searched the  words of philosophers, the romance of naturalists, the community of bars, the strength of whisky, and the beauty or women to find wonder. To entertain, to fulfill, to complete the childish wonder I once had. And to no avail. I just became more lost, empty, and confused.

I turned to search the face of God. There I found wonder, substance, completion. But to be completed by God requires work, and commitment. I am now stuck. I ask myself why I am willing to pour out every effort to pursue a woman but find it difficult to make much of am effort to pursue God when the benefits clearly are greater than any woman could ever offer.

A New Leaf

Its been awhile since I have written here, yet so much has happened since then. I could write for hours and not be able to share all of it, but perhaps over the next few posts I will attempt to sum it up. I predict however that the words I will right here will take a drastic turn. I am guessing that instead of dark and cynical posts they will become posts of joy, and hope. It is quite possible that I might even draw out the reasoning behind the dark cynicism which was my life for several years.

I considered starting a new blog, but I decided perhaps the change in the blog would best demonstrate the change that has taken place.

A plagiarism, as if a book already written. Same story, just a different face, a different name. I hurt, and am hurt, I forgive and am forgiven.
I seek for truth in the world as many have before me. I Look in the same places and come to the same conclusions as some. Disagree with others.
I ask Myself how this can be, all the same evidence but different interpretations, or avoidance's of what is, isn't, or could be.
Am I already written? Is my future destined to be a part of yours? Or is it promised to be apart from the path written for you.
What is the plagiarism that has been determined for me? Where will it take me? What else should I ask? What else should I say?
Shall I attempt to rewrite and strive for originality, attempt to discover new truths, create a path void of previous footsteps?

If you free your heart, it will get hurt. It will fly high and may successfully fly joyously but it will end up hurt. Its worth it though.

I Will Go On

The wind still blows. You slammed the door to happiness and opened the door to a life of pain. The best of luck. I will go on, untouched to write a new love story. Enjoy your misery and know that you could have chosen joy. I hope that haunts you. I hope I am wrong and that you find what you are looking for and that the Gods have chosen a better fate for you than the one you choose for yourself. I will go on and seek happiness. Its your choice so I no longer have to wonder. I will go on. I hope you do to. I hope your misery quickly fades but am doubtful. I will go on.