I don't know how to do it. I don't know where to start. I lack the discipline and desire. Why run from something you want? I don't understand. This world is turning upside down possibly to never be righted again.

Stand there and worship yourself in the name of someone greater. You know they cheer for you, and if they don't you pretend they do. There song feeds you, your ego grows with each sentence. All the while you lie with your lips every word you utter.

I don't know where it all went wrong
I don't know what i should have said
I don't know who i am and that's where it all begins
I don't know where I am going
And I don't know what words have been said
I know who you are and what you need
I know what needs to be done
I don't know what keeps me from it
I don't know why I am so afraid.
I don't know what I am so afraid of.
I think its because I am afraid
I am afraid of hurting you and being hurt.
I am afraid of letting some one in
I am afraid of leaving my comfortable world
I am afraid of losing you though
So what do I do? Nothing like usual
Maybe for once I will do what I know needs to be done

the words have been drained from this pencil
Sweet words that I want to give you
And I can't sleep
I need to tell you
Goodnight

When we're together, I feel perfect
When I'm pulled away from you, I fall apart
All you say is sacred to me
Your eyes are so blue
I can't look away
As we lay in the stillness
You whisper to me


Promise you'll stay with me
Oh you don't have to ask me
You know you're all that I live for
You know I'd die just to hold you
Stay with you
Somehow I'll show you
That you are my night sky
I've always been right behind you
Now I'll always be right beside you

So many nights I cried myself to sleep
Now that you love me, I love myself
I never thought I would say this
I never thought there'd be You

Maybe I was all wrong, perhaps the sun rises in the west and drops in the east. Maybe everything is relative and truth is a thing for and of the ignorant. I wandered to the edge of it all to see what it looked like and was not surprised by what I saw. I saw nothing. There is nothing on the edge of oblivion. It is all what you make it and more. You will find what you want to find. It will be there waiting for you just like you want it to be.

As usual the words escape me. And as usual I don't know why. How are you today?

Dance with me. Take me by the hands and let me twirl you around and around and around. I will surely step on your feet. I hope you can forgive me. I will try to step lightly if I do. I am not very good at dancing but I promise I will make up for it in every other way. So please forgive my lack of coordination and lack of rhythm.

The sun disappeared behind the distant hills tonight and I watched from my vantage point behind glass.

I stood alone with only the night standing by my side
Distant noises came quietly floating on the cold air
They haunted us filling us with chills all through
Our hearts were brilliantly captured with fear
The sinews in our bodies were incapable of moving
So there we stood. Me and the night, alone.

Believe it or now here we are gain. Late at night and I can't sleep... I don't know why. Maybe because its because I quit drinking every night. Maybe its because I have too much on my mind. Perhaps because my air mattress popped and I have been sleeping on the floor. Who knows.

Its like a dream, but a sad one. Not scary just sad. Here I soberly sit, alone, pondering the meaning of this all. Asking myself, What have I become? Without regrets, as usual. Life is to short for that, but numbed by what has happened. Where has the time gone and where will it go? It is sure to leave us and again a year from now and two years from now I will sit here and write similar words. Avoiding life and responsibility. Perhaps this is the way to live. I have finally realized that life is not pain free as I have been taught to believe by all. Or maybe I just let myself believe that. Its like a dream but it isn't one. It is still sad though, and its always scary. I lied. I do care. It hurts to see you alone and sad.

We waste it all away one day at a time. Never bothering to open our eyes and look around. The sun rises everyday and the sun set every evening. Its not always all the same but when do we bother to pay attention?

When the tears roll freely down life's rosy cheeks.

They pranced through the forest of ignorance unaware of the inevitable death to come. We followed along behind them unaware that we would share the same fate. We pretended it was not going to happen to us. We also pretended they would not soon be falling to their gruesome death. We chose to ignore the fact we were chasing them to our destruction. Why don't we stop them? We are afraid to disagree, we are afraid to be unpatriotic. Ignorance is only bliss for a short while. It always end poorly.

Here I sit late at night wondering why it didn't work and hoping that someday it will. But all the while I ask myself why. Why is it like this? Why do I want it to work? There are 20 good reasons for and against each option so what am I to do.

I recollect the places I have been and the people I have hurt. I haven't been very far but I have hurt several. Several have hurt me as well. I guess that is part of life. Who am I am where am I going?

As the sun goes down the children go inside to play. Their mothers relax and their fathers watch tv. The stars will twinkle on and the moon continues to orbit the earth but we don't care. We never will. Most sadly think the earth orbits them and their earth is the center of it all.

I am now simply my own with no one else to worry about. But I don't know what to do. I am afraid to take advantage of this new freedom. Probably because I didn't what this freedom to begin with. Freedom can be bad. And it is a very good thing that we rarely take advantage of the freedoms we do have.

Numb

The day's confusion sits across the table from me and stares at me. Its as if it is taunting me, rubbing its surprise in my face. So here I sit contemplating it all. What did I do wrong and is it all for the best? These are questions that overwhelm me. What do I do next? This is another. While yesterday seemed normal and so did this morning now everything is different. All is changed now. Everything I though I knew I no longer know. Who do I blame? Myself? Them? No...they know who they are.