No one is here. Perhaps I am all alone. Loneliness leads to desperation and desperation breeds foolishness. Foolishness ends in either regrets or a good story to tell. Sometimes both.

When you look at me I don't want to look back. You are beautiful but I don't want you. You stare at me across the bar but I won't go home with you. Get used to it. Yes, perhaps I am beautiful but you won't be able to get your hands on me. I will look back at you and maybe say a few words but I will go home alone. And sleep alone. You won't get your hands on me and I won't appologize. Yes she is beautiful. She is worth it all. She is worth going home alone and turning you down. I hope you sleep well tonight. Alone as I do.

Half the world away
And here I sit. Thinking
Thinking of you.
Why so far away
Why can't I be with you.
Sorry I don't make more time for you
Sorry I am not closer
Sorry I don't have a plan
Come back soon
Come back to me
Hold, hug, kiss love
Please? thank you.

When the dreams that float through your head they will leave you lost in the fright of their uncertainties. Occasionally your dreams will bring you humor but only very rarely. Sometimes you will be lost in your dreams and sometimes you will find what you weren't even looking for. Happiness is found in dreams. Truth is found in death.

The clouds didn't hide the sun today. It made me happy and I wandered around in it. I watched the squirrels fight as an old lady left seeds for them. The grass was still muddy so I stayed on the sidewalk. I wondered what it would be like to be a squirrel. I watched the water in the river. It was muddy. I also wondered what it would be like to be a goose. Geese were all around scavaging in the muddy lawns for a bite of food here and there. Young moms took their children to the park to play. One beautiful mom brushed her kid off with a little broom before she let her in her new car. Two tall black men in nice suits walked with a short white man who wasn't dressed nearly as well. They talked loudly about the beautiful sunny day. One women handed me a pamphlet as we walked across the street. The pamphlet contained bible verses and told me how to become a christian. I read it and wondered if it made sense to people that didn't grow up in the church. I left in on a bench. Another lady asked me for a dollar. I gave it to her for some reason and wondered as I walked away what she would spend it on.

I was asked the meaning of it all and I wasn't given an answer. No one had an answer. They never do. Rather they have their misconceptions and their faith they try to write off as truth. Here I sit with my own misconceptions and lack of faith. I search for truth but find none. Look for meaning and come up lacking. I strive for direction but end up lost.

I had a lot to drink and felt things I didn't mean to. I dont want to care for you I don't want to miss you but I have to, I don't know why. You are so far away but I want you near. Its never easy I wish you would let me in, and be honest with me. Nevermind me I am just lonely. You make me lonely and make me want more. Its ok when we go on our walks I enjoy our talks and your smile.

Sometimes I think to much and find myself bothered by the ignorant thought of others around me. Why bother thinking about things that don't matter. Who cares what the universe looked like before it was created. It doesn't affect right now in any way.

When things fall apart and a friend disappears it is sad. Especially when it is over something stupid and don't bother to ask you if the accusation is true. Why are people so quick to abandon their friends? Why are friends the last ones we believe? And it hurts everyone so bad, and its sad because it could all be avoided. Only if we communicated better. Only if people didn't try to sabotage and we were all capable of trust and honesty. Honesty, if it was valued more maybe love would be more prevalent and not so painful.
Frustration and dissapointment consume me. Why do these things happen and why do they hurt so bad?

Where hate goes in the name of love we all follow.

The road winds throught he countryside over hills and through orchards.  I don't know here its going but I wander on.  It leads me through barren fields that have been long harvested.  Pastures with cattle grazing, and trashy homes with more than their share of abandoned cars.  Why I am writing of this though i don't know.  I wander on in life and word.  Share with me some of your certainty.  

I am not alone anymore, but for some reason I still feel awfully lonely

When the rain fell last night I was struggling to sleep but thoughts were racing through my mind. Doubts, ideas, and conflict.  Dreams wouldn't come, my eyes wouldn't even close.  What is the cause of this? Why can't I sleep? Why do the things that should matter don't, and the things that shouldn't... bother me the most.  

I think....Maybe that is the problem.  However when I just do I get into problems as well.  I am not going to sit at home and stare at a wall, that would be to arrest my development, to deny myself life.   

Do you ever feel lost and confused?  And what makes it worse is that there are people that are expecting you to take care of them.  How am I supposed to care for them and offer answers when I can't care for myself?  

What do we really want? We will never really know. We are all confused, looking for happiness and something to fulfill us. Sad as it is it never will. Should we just give up? or should we carry on looking to put smiles on our faces for a few fleeting seconds.