Yesterday is gone, so is the last year.  Tomorrow is to come and no one knows what it will bring.  We can't know now how yesterdays decisions will effect us far from now.  Will we regret or will it brighten our lives.  We can't know so how are we to choose.  One over the other or choosing a path to follow.  I don't want to be haunted by bad decisions but I can't possibly know what is right for me.  Which path has heart?

Speechless, I don't understand.  What now have I done wrong, I certainly haven't done it right.  What have I done wrong, what was it that you wanted?  I obviously can't give it.  You run after the worst I will wallow in saddness.  Beauty emodies you and you say it is me too.  

I think that the desire...well just pure desire for things we never needed, the things that complicate our lives. Perhaps these things ruin our lives. At the same time perhaps the small moments these unneeded desires bring are worth it.

Reality is relative. Your reality saves you, which is really your perception is your salvation. It gets you through each and every day, through your life. You believe you live in a democratic society giving you faith in the country and world you live in. In reality it is far from a democracy but the word makes you comfortable since you are taught to be comfortable with it. You have been taught all your life that democracy is the best government, there are no other options. This is not a democracy and the majority doesn't win. But yet it does. And yet it is good that it doesn't since you and the majority don't know what is best for you. However neither does the money that really makes the decisions and rules you. That is why it is important you think you live in a democracy. With out this faith it would be impossible. Nothing would work. It would be failure. So continue on in your faith otherwise we would be dead.

Lazily I dreamt of a time when there were fewer questions and less worries. I didn't have to buy my own food or even worry about washing my own clothes. What a time this was.

Perhaps its fear perhaps uncertainty. Perhaps these are one and the same. Maybe I will close my eyes and push on through taking my chances. I don't think I should I don't want to. I think I enjoy the uncertainty. No one depends on me for anything. The closest to free one can get.
We really aren't free we only think we are. We posses more freedom than some so we think we are free but we are far from free. We are owned and controlled by every force and person around us. By those that say they care. How do we escape? I am not sure but I will try to find a way and will come back to tell you.

I hope you are not lonely while I am so far away. I hope there are people to take my place and fill the hole in your heart. There is nothing here for me even though I try.

I did not cry, I didn't even frown. It didn't hurt but it wasn't fun.

Thankfully the sun doesn't shine while it rains. How could we manage to comprehend so much beauty?

Oh bless your ignorance and the lines you draw in the sand. You will move them as they are convenient.

Welcome to the abyss of confusion. It has swallowed you whole and will never spit you back up. It has consumed you and will never let you go. Welcome to a life of loneliness and complete disappointment.

Spread your legs and cross your arms and let me do my worst. You don't have to enjoy it. This is not the beginning nor the end. I will wander on through this blanketing fog. I love the fear that is commanded here in this great land. Really what is there to fear? Ourselves, our sad pathetic and unexusable ignorance.

Reality is such a fragile thing. A leaf blows in the wind and we both watch. Both watch the same event but see separate things. Who's reality is real? You say a person is evil while they say you are evil. Who is right? Maybe its beyond our perception.

They say we are all in the same boat, misery. Some hide it better than others. I would prefer to disagree but I can't since I can never be you and share the pain, difficulties and disappointments you have to entertain. So I will continue to convince myself that my life is harder, the most difficult.

There I sat and the fog rolled in and I didn't know what was to come. What was hidden in the fog? What did the fog have to offer? Whatever it was I was scared. Something would come, whether I had a chance against it I did not know. Would I be able to subdue it and come out on top or would it swallow me whole leaving me nonexistent, or maybe just damaged. Maybe severely damaged. There was nothing I could do I was stuck. Maybe if I had not abandoned it would all be different.

I think about you always, when you are here and when you are not. I worry about you from time to time and for that I apologize. I care about you and for that I will never be sorry. I wonder why we can't be together and others can.

I look beside me and wonder where you are. Beside me is where you are supposed to be. My apologies that I am not capable of that. Why must you be so far away?

Wisdom lift them stranded and there morality ruined them.

The sun has once again set and the moon is hidden behind the clouds. I will once again go to sleep without the one thing in this world that I want. How can I change it, how can achieve it?

Unfortunately today will soon end and I will have accomplished nothing. I have achieved no goals and haven't even made goals to attempt achieving. In a world where goals are about money and luxury rather than accomplishments and self contentment. How then are we to be happy with things we can't obtain? Where now shall we go? Buy our own grave, bury our own souls for what? A nice car? Perfect house? And designer jeans? Never having a smile on our face for more than 3 minutes.

Yes...once again the wind blows through the trees, rustling the leaves and forcing the branches to sway. I watch the clouds follow suit and wonder why I can't do the same.

When the dead are gone then new will come and we will always remember yesterday but forget right now.

Alone but not lonely, that would imply desperation, weakness. You need them but I do not. Nietzsche's Ubermench will prevail, for I am becoming just that apart from the demands of society. You need me but I need not you. You want my strength but don't want to return it. I ask nothing of you and will soon stop giving to you. No freindship here exists only abuse. Stop pretending quit hiding, man up and tell the truth you worthless coward. You are nothing and you know that but are afraid of admitting it so continue to pretend you are worthwhile. You lonely worthless soul quit pretending, you don't exist and the reality you have created for yourself is bullshit, pure bullshit. Just because you believe it doesn't make it true. Think for yourself and stop borrowing the thoughts of others. You have already died. I will live forever.

The pain of suicide

He was the happiest, yet he chose not to be. I could not find it in myself to cry for him but it hurt so bad my stomach was knotted as though a sailor had tied it. Why did it have to end? And why did he have to end it himself? Is life not already short enough? I still can't cry, but I still hurt. Damn you friend, Damn you.

His pain he pushed below until he couldn't take it anymore. What could I have done?

She continually asked me if everything was going to be ok. Of course I said yes but I didn't believe it myself.

The leaves wilt leaving there beauty in the clutches of the weather. Their wisdom will leave you wanting more but you will never desire.

I didn't understand their words but there passion was undeniable. They gave freely despite the fact I gave nothing back. What inspired this kindness? They had little and wanted nothing, while I had much and wanted more. Their simplicity was becoming to me.

The extreme sensitivity of all humanity leaves us painfully emotionally damaged which results in physical destruction, sadly. However what shall we do? Our pride will always be attacked mostly by ourselves so we will always attack all around us emotionally and physically. It will never end, atleast until we respect ourselves.

The tell us to dance with them, and promise to feed us. Rather they rape and let us starve. That is all they are supposed to do yet they throw away and refuse to let us even fight over their garbage.

I walk on below the clouds far from the sun and below the birds. The ants scurrying on the ground try to avoid the fatality my feet have to offer. The desire my strength but offer nothing in return. What am I to do? Drained by fear and expectations.

Wistfully the balance of soul departs leaving me in need and want. You left me all alone and but are afraid of being alone yourself. The wind blows, the rain falls and my heart slowly shrinks. Oh well.

I look longingly into the barrenness of hope and desire more, but I never know what. Satisfaction eludes me. I desire the simplicity of some, and long for the luxuries of others. Which path should I follow? Which direction offers contentedness, and satisfaction?

There are those that love me and those that don't, those that want me and those that don't. There are those I love but do not like, there are those I like that I do not love. There are those I cannot know but would love to. How am I to know the single one I want to know when I can't understand her language?

Wasting away with your dreams in your hand. Walk on down the lonely trail of life with your woman on your arm. Promised happiness is all you seek but you will never find it, never. Oh well.

I walk down the innocent streets filled with not so innocent people. As I walk I look into the faces of those walking with me. It is a short look but it is enough to learn about them. They never look back, they are afraid. Many talking on their cell phones, oblivious to what is around them. Some carry pain, pain I can't understand. Very few wear smiles, most frowns of discontentment. Some watch me pass with judgment in their eyes. Many women and girls examine my beauty, and long for a greeting, but I offer none. I continue on my journey. Cars race by, birds fly, the sun shines. Here I am in this confusing world, seemingly with out reason and without God. I know neither, and neither have searched me out despite my search for them. Am I lonely, no, perhaps alone but never lonely. The sun holds me tight, the night protects me from fear, and my insecurities protect me from damaging relationships. I carry on through crowded streets that seem barren, and wander through this barren life that I pretend is crowded.

You wouldn't understand unless you have come to the realization that there is more to life than sex, comedy, and sports. Also if you still think it is true simply because you believe it you are wasting your time.

She cried for forgiveness, in a frenzy she begged. You denied her cries, and honesty, you smashed her for doing less than you had ever done to her. Explain to me the justice in this.

How far should I go when no one else will ever stop. Don't try to be my conscious, don't enforce your convictions on me. I will walk on down my lonely road, you go your own way. Leave me be.

He asked me what I was thinking about. I honestly responded, saying: "I am pondering this life as I often do. Examining reality, and coming to the conclusion that I am far from it, I exist in a reality, but don't understand it and do not grasp it. I am know different than anyone else, but at the same time am so different. I am equal to all, but equal to none. I am not as you classify me, I just am, as are you. I am an original combination of unoriginalities. I am here but don't know for how long, nor know why I am. I want to make the most of it, but am afraid of endangering it. What is my purpose? Is it for me? Or for someone else?"
He told me I was crazy and that life wasn't that simple, and that neither was it so complicated.
I replied that everything was not as he understood it, but was a mere perspective. A unjust perspective.
He walked away from me without another word. People are not willing to question their beliefs, or accept that others believe the opposite of themselves with just as much conviction. What makes you right, what makes you so sure of yourself. Simply your perspective, and until you are willing to question everything, you still only have perspective. Until you admit that you understand nothing you know nothing. Once you admit you understand nothing, you still know nothing. Scary isn't it? So should you continue trying to convince yourself your beliefs are right, or know nothing for sure? I don't know, the latter is scary, but the former is dangerous, and damaging to humanity, however much easier.

You adore your mediocrity, anything that makes you smile. You don't care for content or substance as long as it brings you through your day, takes you towards your bedtime. You don't care to learn or grow, you don't appreciate.

She asked me to dance upon the truth she held dearly. The perimeter is void of stars. The storm rides on and we are left in the unknown. The desert stretches on forever, barren but more is here than you would ever imagine. Blood flows from the natives body, his belongings scattered. Book in hand I wander on.

This is not a tale of who I am but of who I don't want to be.

Entrapped by your ignorance you wander blindly through this world wasting everyday with mindless deeds, you never learn, you never grow, you are content with being stupid. Why and how do you justify it. You are all content and feel that you have fulfilled all your potential. Nonsense, we haven't even begun. Democracy isn't the greatest form of government, find a new one. Computers, technology and convenience have not made you happy, perhaps we should digress. Continue on my foolish adversary. Yes adversary, your goal is to stay, dumb the world, accept mediocrity and glorify it. I say lets continue to grow, there is so much more to learn. Why not learn it? Why be content with your stupidity? There is so much natural fascination out there to enjoy, so pry yourself away from your television and computer, find something truly fascinating. Find beauty, true beauty. Not beauty at the expense of man, but beauty at the expense of everything. Go now you fool and continue to waste away in ignorance. God knows the answers, and controls all, why do you need to know anything, you only have waste this life until your death, then God will make it all better. You lazy, mindless waste continue on in your ways, i will see you at the end.

I grow exponentially colder, my heart shrinks more everyday. I despise your smile even more that I did yesterday. You claim to be different but you are worse, far worse. How can you even consciously claim to be who and what your are. I would be ashamed, ashamed. But what can I say, I am heartless, thinking only of myself. I will stomp on your heart on my way to the top. They all claim I am different. For some reason they bother to believe in me. They think I am a mindless drone like the rest of them, I am not, I will achieve the top. Step back you petty fool I will demolish you. To hell with you and your noble, and supposed moral aspirations, you are only alluring to the helpless.

The morning comes thankfully leaving yesterday's stress behind. It is this morning that frees us if we let it. Some hang on to their past, never letting go. I try to let go of yesterday, its stresses, disappointments and pain. Today is a new life to live, let me live it happily.

The wisdom of the foolish is what we thrive upon. It makes this world go round, we accept it all and even ask for it. Thank you fools.

Nothing is any longer original. It has already been said, now they are just repeating. They don’t even bother paraphrasing anymore. How are we to grow, develop, and learn? Not by mimicking all of history, literature, and thought.

The flowers of morbidity grow on the walls of my soul. I look at them and laugh.

I have sadly decided that for the majority people are incapable of thinking for themselves. They accept the media and the statements of others. The government is readily accepted in the name of patriotism. Let us continue to waste away. Slowly. Continue quoting the few, don't bother to question democracy, because of course there is no possibility of a better way of governing. Carry on you mindless fool. Carry on, destroy all your potential.

I see you there, hiding quietly in the shadows. You think you are well hidden but I see you trying to destroy me. Searching for evidence of my inadequacy. You don't have to hide, you can ask me, I will tell you. Fear not shadow monkey. You look to destroy, but I will destroy you. No one ever succeeds at there attempts to hurt me. Run away now while you can before I begin my unjust revenge. Before it is to late.

I admit that I care only for the well being and betterance of myself. You pretend to care for all around you, and have convinced yourself as well as many, but fool not me.

The tragedy of existence is when one wastes it on self indulgences, also when one wastes it on refusing to indulge at all.

The stars sparkled far far away but they were here, they were shining down on me. The depression of people refuses to acknowledge the beauty the world offers to all of us.

Some one told me once that the rain will always fall, and the flowers will always grow. It won't always be where you are but it will always be so. The sun is always shining, just not over your head.

The wind forces it's way between the leaves on the tree without prejudice. It blows on children and adults, men and women, black and white. It knows no difference it just does its duty. It knows not conservative, nor liberal, democrat, or republican, beautiful or ugly, smart or stupid. It does its duty despite our misgivings. Why can't we be like the wind and disregard our hate, and prejudice. Let us just blow, go from here to there, with smiles on our faces and live our lives?

The disaster of an unintentional life

I was scared, I didn't know what I was scared of though. I feel that I might make a mistake, or am afraid to believe the things I need to believe. There is nothing to protect me now, not you, not your love not your friends. What now?

The confusion life has to offer is very confusing, why must it be so confusing?

They danced upon their distaste for all, abusing their taste for nothing. We lived only awhile, and loved every moment of it. The shadows we embrace, are fleeting for the comfort of another. We dance on and on without remorse, and consequence. Show me you worthless student of ignorance where your purpose is. Even the crow is more valid than you. You desire the controversy you so distaste. I distaste you, contradictory confusion. Blast your confusion and uncertainty, I know not who I am, and care not who you are. Run away and hide while you still can, my vengeance will affect you to. Share not the frenzied fear you so embrace. Run you crazy bastard run.

The worthless desperation of love, the desire to fulfill. Selfishly it wastes both away, and steals there life. It, rather the desire for it, carries them far away to a large hole where nothing will return from. Jump off this wicked ride while you can, jump off before you are destroyed. Or so much is wasted. Curse you, Damn you, I despise you love. I have let you steal from me.

The mountains look real today, and you disillusionment's look legitimate. You know not what you speak of so take your clothes off and run through the barren desert. I love the deprivation of your heart and the desperation of your soul. I despise your worthless state and your fair skin. I am actually jealous of everything you have.

I go on long walks through downtown. I sit on benches and watch the people rush by me oblivious to what is all around them. I listen to the crows "ca" and wonder what they are saying. I even follow them from time to time, and realize it is probably nonsense that I am following a crow because where would they lead me? Maybe I just try to see things they way they do. They are the greatest animal: the smartest of birds, the perfect size, large enough that they aren't in to much danger of being preyed upon, but small enough that they can go anywhere they really choose. The other day I watched the Willamette river for about an hour, I studied its currents and watched the ripples as they traveled across the water. I won't even go into the time I spend watching the squirrels. I watch the homeless men from a distance, and even talk to them from time to time. I stare at the trees in bloom and also the trees that are still bare from the winter. I think the naked leafless trees are more beautiful, because no one notices them, they shrug it off as ugly, just as they shrug of the rain as an inconvenience, I think there is just as much beauty in the rain as there is in a cloudless day.
You think I have clearly gone crazy and your are probably right, I am crazy compared to the majority. I am even called crazy occasionally, when i share my thoughts. Is it so crazy that I look at things differently? Say the things others are only thinking? Think the things others are afraid to examine? Is it so crazy that I am looking for the path with heart? Maybe I should follow the crows.

We danced upon the clouds, more in love than ever. We held each other tight and talked about the future. The clouds held us up high above the world and kept others from watching. Our bodies soft skin, softer than the clouds appear, inch to inch touching each other. The angels sang around us in the heavens nodding in approval, while everyone else shook their heads in disapproval. It was the moments we were that we loved.

The day was a dreary one, not because of the rain or the dark clouds. There was no death on the air either. It was something different something that can't be explained. It wasn't a lack of desire or any depressing matter it just was. Why must there be a reason for everything?

She danced upon the fragile walls of his soul, danced and pranced about. What could he do?

I sat there to take it all in. Three crows were perched in the tallest tree that has not yet grown its spring leaves. Had they come for me? The grass was green, green as spring can be. Cherry trees as pink as can be lined both sides of the plaza. People wandered about with cameras around their neck snapping pictures here and there but not stopping to enjoy the beauty. The blossoms on the trees spoke volumes if one took the time to listen. The crows called as if reminding me what really mattered. The buildings faded away, the cars stopped and all disappeared, the sounds of the city disappeared. I realized for once that I was not an American, nor a citizen of any state. I just am. Not on this continent not on this earth, not this world or universe, I just am.

She told me to talk to her and I didn't know what to say. Did just want to me to speak to her, or did she want me to talk to her. Maybe she just wanted entertained, I could do that. When one is in love the don't care about being embarrassed, or ashamed, making a fool of themselves. I don't know why but it is true.

I walked amongst the clouds and the wolves howled at the moon. The lizards showed me the way, showed me things I had never seen. We traveled miles and miles. Mescatilo had taught me the way, taught me many things. He offered me knowledge and taught me how to live my life. He gave me songs to sing on my journey and allowed me to call him with his secret name whenever I needed guidance. We flew high over mountains and swooped down into the valleys. Low over the water we traveled like an eagle swooping low for fish that weren't there. The sun was on the other side of the world and the moon was small in the sky, it was dark but still I could see everything as if it were the middle of the day. I watched the the deer sleep in the thickets, the elk graze in the meadows. The coyote stalked a single mouse, but the mouse slipped into a hole just in time. I flew next to the silence of the owl, but i wasn't in search of unsuspecting rodents. What was I in search of?

Knowledge is unfortunately not what everyone thinks it is. It is not the simple regurgitation of a fact. What is it? Not yet sure, Not yet sure. Will I tell you when I know? No, because I have a feeling that it is one of those inexpressibles that can only be experienced. A journey you will have to venture out and take on your own (If you ever choose to). We are to busy looking for easy answers offered by those around us that we don't bother to look for our own answers. Nor do we bother to ask our own questions. The questions one asks are far more important than the answers they think they have.

She forgot to protect herself from him and his unavoidable attractiveness. The strength in his jaw bone, the definition in his chest, they soft rumbling of his voice, his fair skin, toughened by sun, and eyes that stole breath helplessly from their lungs. His voice spoke words that hurt, and were with out regard to their feelings, but still they thought they loved him. Oh to be his girl, life would be good then. Life would be good. He would fix all her problems, carry her far away from he discomfort.
LIES, my reader, LIES!

Freedoms stolen by those that govern us provide us with the opportunity to be great, rather we complain, preferring mediocrity.

The trees are beautiful today. Their leafless, fleshless corpses clothed only by green moss, awaiting the hope of spring. Spring brings the green, and the romances will flourish, while my heart grows colder and more distant. Plant the fake flowers of hope and curse the rain's inconvenience. You contradict yourself. Declare the winter ugly and the rain inconvenient, waste it away with out regard. Build your walls of disillusionment, while I walk through the birth of another day, another life. One step closer to reality, one step away from your glorified delusions. I despise your dearest dreams that will never come true. Every dream dies, while your past wastes you. Look outside at the leafless, moss covered skeletons, they hold the key to your happiness. Concern your self not with your supposed inconveniences, and stop creating for yourself pointless entertainment. It is already here embodied in the leafless trees you consider despicable. Worry yourself not with the coming spring, nor the sun promised by summer. Focus on the rain that falls, the clouds that will never leave forever, and waste not the moments they have to offer you.

He wore it all on the inside, his feelings were stored deep away so that know one could see. He stole their innocence and took advantage of their beauty.

The excellence of personal retreat, an abomination of greatness. It is true the people can never be trusted.

The messes he got himself into. How he did it, he wasn't sure. Oh but how they hurt.

Interesting. A strange word.

He died a little bit inside when he gave his body away. Desires filled him, while guilt was beside him. He gave it no thought, until he wasted away. Then it was far to late. The wind blew cold all around him, and there was no one to save him. He wished inside he hadn't relied upon so many to live his life. He had to ask himself: "what is this thing, existence? And how should I have gone about it?"

I dream of things that never were and live for things no one cares for. I am different from the rest, asking questions and such. The fog travels in and the dreams they come. I chase them away with my loudest voice, and the foolish waving of my arms. Still they come again. I don't want to be like them, mindless drones, I want to think, life and know. I want to learn develop and grow. Leave me now like the wind blowing past, leave me be.

Knowledge all around me, pages and pages. Thoughts inside me, volumes and volumes. Why can't they come out? The internal flood gates hold it all back, I can't even know what it is I only feel the pressure. Oh if it could be controlled so that it doesn't have to violently burst one day and result in complete loss.

The fallacies of your mind will forever arrest development. The lies you create and accept are the cruel abortion of self development. Continue to deny your selfishness and self love and you will perish less a person than the day you were born. Admit yourself selfish, and that you love no one more than yourself and your journey will begin. Honesty is a much more plausible virtue than any ideal unachievable as love.

Questions haunt my formidable existence. They saturate my consciousness. Searching in vain grows tiresome.

What a shame it must be to be ugly, the world set against you, what a pity. And even a bigger shame to be ugly and have morales, no chance then for success. A lack of morales or beauty is needed to be somebody in this world. Now let me throw off these morales so i can make money and have the best chances of success.

I want to glide through the water like a dolphin, climb through the trees like a squirrel. I want to soar through the skies like an eagle, and sit in the sunshine like a cow chewing its cud.

The sun shines, lit by the plaque from the gods' teeth. The monsters crawl through the grass in search of the tears of angels. This is where dreams come from, where the moon is actually cheese. Wallace and Gromit's heaven. The wind blows here and you can see it. As well as the effects of the wind on women wearing skirts, and it is good. It is never cold her, since the gods know not cold. The ocean takes no lives and the sharks are for petting. The sand doesn't annoy as the sand castle is built and the waves don't come to thrash handy work. The alcohol is strong here but you don't have to taste it twice, ever. It isn't even needed to make the women easy, and diseases are unheard of so full pleasure is guaranteed.

I sit here and ponder many things. People don't understand why I do. I don't understand it either but I have to. I have to wonder about the things i don't understand. I have to look for answers. I can't believe, I don't have faith, so i have to ask questions. I have to search for truth.

I want to drink up the fantasies of yesterday's desires.

The mountains reach for the empty endless sky. The sky marries the mountains to the endless expanses of nothingness. Nothingness reaches back with unlimited amounts of unanswerable questions. You attempt to answer the questions with faith, why are you so foolish? Even the the wolf knows its howl will never reach past the eagle.

Examine the blissful distaste for uncommonality with the moon's deprivation of the wolves howl. The sun doesn't deserve your hate or your distaste for the trances of those you call insane. Illusion is all you grasp so hold your faith tight between two fingers on different hands. The moss will grow on the trees tomorrow but your soul will fade like the love for your mother once did. But it won't grow back again. Hold yourself tight in the heatless night. Dream about the distasteful redemption that will never come to carry you away to the death you dream of. Rescue from the discomfort that you think life is. Fly with the hawks high over head, the eagles, dive like the falcon, but never stop, crashing into the barren soil in which dreams are never grown.

Walk around, walk around, and walk around again. Stare at the ground, don't even pretend like you know what you are doing or where you are going. It is those that pretend confidence that get some where. Droop your head, and hide your eyes, muffle your voice and claim "I don't know." It is those that pretend they know who get to make up the answers, and you still claim not to know. Believe, believe, and again believe. Your faith doesn't make you right. Tell the truth and be honest, you will be nobler for it but the honest only die in the quick draw.

Democracy says to you forget your dreams, forget your rights, your wants and desires. Where is your money friend? I will use it to protect you. Bare yourself to me but i won't look. Oops I lied, give me more money. Oh well i will just take it. I have fooled you, you fool. You think you have freedom, you have nothing, only illusions that you hold to so tight.

What then, does your faith accomplish if it proves nothing? Where does faith get you?

Smiles are usually given out for free, rarely is anything expected in return. Frowns are the same; we give them often with out good reason, generally to those that don’t deserve them. Frowns are usually inspired by our own poor imposition, occasionally brought on by someone other than we are frowning at.

Next to his left eye sat a wart destroying any attractive qualities that may have existed. It wasn't large but it was impossible to look in his direction without the grotesque hard ball of flesh stealing attention from any redemptive qualities that there may have been. It didn't matter though since no one ever noticed them. How sad the ugly must be. How do they convince themselves they are accepted in such an aesthetic world?

He was afraid of pain but was forced, simply by existing, to endure it. Pain, sadly comes with life, but thankfully is not the only ingredient, only a portion of the recipe. Some people embrace their pain and force it upon other people. One woman he knew always did just that and he despised it. She placed her pain on all around her through pointlessly complaining about everything that bothered her; emotionally, physically, and otherwise. She was Incapable of handling anything by herself. It was quite pathetic. Life would have been easier for all who knew her if she was just a slut and revealed her skin rather than her supposed pain.
Everybody hurts and no one's life is easy. Why did she think hers was worse than everyone else's. All of her issues: self created.
He despised her but couldn't get away from her. She clung to him and his friends and they couldn't shake her. She attempted to command their lives and for some reason they allowed it. Perhaps they all felt sorry for her and didn't know what would happen if they deserted her in the world of misery she created fro herself. Maybe she enjoyed the misery she created. But she certainly enjoyed the attention she commanded through her misery.

We walk down dark streets full of unforgotten hate

Dreams of happiness and love never leave us

Our childhood drives us forward as with desire

Love eludes us yet we long more and more

Family deludes us and teaches us to hate

The grass sways with the wind back and forth.

We watch the wind and move with it, back and forth.

An ant wonders from it's hole. Will it ever wander from its hole? A man lives in a hole of his own imagination. He never leaves his thoughts, or chases his dreams, only dreams more.

Look into the eyes of the stranger and ponder what you see. Is fear, or hate, love or power? Take the stranger by the hand if you dare. Will it follow you are will you follow it? Tell the stranger your thoughts, the deep thoughts that you tell no one else. Does the stranger listen to what you say or judge you? Does the stranger speak back to you? And do you hear what it has to say or do you judge? Take the stranger to your favorite secret spots, the places no one knows about, not your parents or your closest friends. The stranger is brave enough to kill you, and kill you from the front. You will see and you will thank the stranger when the deed is done. So go, find the stranger, and share, for it is your last chance. GO now, run along.

When the sun rose this morning i watched the moon die. Why must the sun kill the moon? Please explain me. I do not understand.

The snow didn't fall today but it did in my mind, what else matters. I can make any world I want for myself. It can snow, I can have any girl I desire, I can even create my own girls. What more could one want than an imagination. It rained today as well, and I was on the sandy beaches of Hawaii with a girl on each arm and one on my lap. I still got a sun tan in spite of the girl on top of me blocking the sun. They gratify my every pleasure. Oh wait, now I am skiing the slopes outside of Vienna. Oh wait, I have just wasted 30 precious minutes of my life in Hawaii, and Switzerland. Let me do it for real.

With my never ending desire for satisfaction of every sort, I would like to think that perhaps an acquisition of ultimate power would satisfy my longing for happiness. Maybe a womens touch would help. Yes, I do now have a woman, but perhaps another woman's touch, or maybe more than just one woman's touch.

I made a dream up in the morning because I am not creative enough to dream on my own. I made up a fabulous dream in which I was walking through a field alone with a beautiful girl on my arm. Well in reality she wasn't on my arm. She rather had her arms wrapped around my arm so that her breast was pressed against my arm. This is where i pretended to wake up. I continued to make up the dream like i usually do when i am actually lucky enough to have a dream of my own.

While I was walking through the streets of Laredo I watched a prostitute wander on looking for a man to please. I looked at her and wondered if I would be capable of pleasing her. I continued on and saw a man that thought he was the truth once. I didn't allow his crazy claims to dissuade me of my beliefs.