It seems like things change quicker than I can keep up. As soon as I get used to something it changes. I am not ready for this, I am not man enough for the changes that come. To climb back inside my mothers arms and have everything fixed for me. To be ignorant to the worlds troubles.

Reality denies the beauty we wish to see.
I press on looking for the truth.
In my hand I hold an artists brush,
I attempt to paint a world in which I might fit.
I world where love is real, and love is mine.
A place where I may be loved, accepted, family.
I draw on a canvas with all my creativity,
It ends ugly so I begin again, and again,
Again

Over the last few years as I searched high and low for truth, and God, I always searched deep, and complicated things.  Now as I have given over to attempt living a "godly" life I am digging in deep, picking up complicated books, and Brian "Head" Welch has helped me understand that I am a baby, I need to be able to crawl before I walk. I need baby food! I need to start at the beginning. I need to know the what's before I start asking the why's.  I need to figure out where I am where I am going before I start asking how I am gonna get there.  I guess its like a dance.  I need to learn the steps before I start trying to add the colorful moves. 

We all need a purpose to live.  When we are children it is easy. Everything is a mystery. We understand little and even the little things we understand are filled with wonder. As we grow older we think we understand more, and the wonder fades, it takes more to surprise us, more to entertain, more to complete us. 

I searched the  words of philosophers, the romance of naturalists, the community of bars, the strength of whisky, and the beauty or women to find wonder. To entertain, to fulfill, to complete the childish wonder I once had. And to no avail. I just became more lost, empty, and confused.

I turned to search the face of God. There I found wonder, substance, completion. But to be completed by God requires work, and commitment. I am now stuck. I ask myself why I am willing to pour out every effort to pursue a woman but find it difficult to make much of am effort to pursue God when the benefits clearly are greater than any woman could ever offer.

A New Leaf

Its been awhile since I have written here, yet so much has happened since then. I could write for hours and not be able to share all of it, but perhaps over the next few posts I will attempt to sum it up. I predict however that the words I will right here will take a drastic turn. I am guessing that instead of dark and cynical posts they will become posts of joy, and hope. It is quite possible that I might even draw out the reasoning behind the dark cynicism which was my life for several years.

I considered starting a new blog, but I decided perhaps the change in the blog would best demonstrate the change that has taken place.

A plagiarism, as if a book already written. Same story, just a different face, a different name. I hurt, and am hurt, I forgive and am forgiven.
I seek for truth in the world as many have before me. I Look in the same places and come to the same conclusions as some. Disagree with others.
I ask Myself how this can be, all the same evidence but different interpretations, or avoidance's of what is, isn't, or could be.
Am I already written? Is my future destined to be a part of yours? Or is it promised to be apart from the path written for you.
What is the plagiarism that has been determined for me? Where will it take me? What else should I ask? What else should I say?
Shall I attempt to rewrite and strive for originality, attempt to discover new truths, create a path void of previous footsteps?

If you free your heart, it will get hurt. It will fly high and may successfully fly joyously but it will end up hurt. Its worth it though.

I Will Go On

The wind still blows. You slammed the door to happiness and opened the door to a life of pain. The best of luck. I will go on, untouched to write a new love story. Enjoy your misery and know that you could have chosen joy. I hope that haunts you. I hope I am wrong and that you find what you are looking for and that the Gods have chosen a better fate for you than the one you choose for yourself. I will go on and seek happiness. Its your choice so I no longer have to wonder. I will go on. I hope you do to. I hope your misery quickly fades but am doubtful. I will go on.

Show me the world and I will run away.
Tell me what is right and I will choose wrong.
Its only natural, Its only natural.
Show me reality and I will choose my own.
I am human, its only natural.

I hold on to the past, with my heart all wrapped up in it. I don't know how to let it go. I want it now, I want it here, I want it for real. Let it go. Let me go. I don't know how, I don't want to, I won't. I'm confused and lost, and should just let it go. But I don't know how, I don't want to, I won't.

Conflict resides and strives inside of my heart and soul. Desire wrestles logic and neither prevail. My heart hurts but won't let go. I cry out to whoever listens to answer my prayers and rescue the one I pray for. Have my chances left or will the opportunity to recover my follies arise? Love fights with concious and I don't know who will win, its not for me to decide. Its up to the one my internal workings fight over.

What I Imagine You Would Say To Me If You Could Find The Words

Don't give up on me, I am scared lost and fragile. I need your guidance, your love and kindness. I need your patience and protection. Thanks for your understanding as I fight my way through the messes I find myself in. I don't mean to hurt you and know that I do, and for that I apologize. I hope I come out on the other side strong and ready to return your kindness.
Thank you.

Innocence is becoming, but naivety will make you laughing stock. Ignorance is bliss but knowledge is best. Wisdom is lost.

The plight of a parent: Children hold all their parents' imperfections against them. While parents consider all their children's imperfections as their own failures as parents.

Really? I doubt it. If so I don't know where or how. Dark stretches on and I am alone in the midst of it. The fog rises to more fog. I know I am and will be, but don't know where I am going or if I am even going anywhere. I feel all alone as I go there though.

If there was a god, he would make you love him.
He would make the wind blow in his favor
And the storms would always pass around
If there was a god the rain would fall warm on him
He would not feel the cold snow fall
And we would all bow begging for his mercy
If there was a god I would close my eyes forever
He would make this pain go away for good
And he would give you what your really deserve
If there was a god, he would make me love him

Think about it, the sun rises and sets everyday, but it isn't truth.
Gravity makes the apple to fall to the earth but even that can stop.
I don't have the answers but can't stop searching for them.
I look under rocks, in the treetops, old philosophy books.
I find very little, bits here, pieces there but I search on.
Perhaps someday it will all fit together and make sense

I would have died for you
The epitome of cliche but it is true
Now I cry for you and the pain you feel
I have to realize I can't take it away
It will only create more of my own.
Whiskey won't wash away your disregard
Nothing will wash away your foolishness.
I can't make it right, we can't, you can.

What have I become? The earth still revolves around the sun, that hasn't changed. But I have, I just don't know how.

The truth is that as the night rolls in and the sun gives way I need someone to hold tight. I need to care for someone. It helps me forget who I am and covers up the pain I hide.

Deposit you soul in mine and leave me empty inside. I am tangled up in you but have to leave you behind, make you history. I have to start anew and for that I am sorry. I love you more than anything, and still do. You taught me to love, made me capable of it. But now I move on and am scared to death. You helped me way more than I ever helped you. And for that I thank you. You are an amazing person. The best. Good luck. I love you. Goodbye my lover.

My feet move forward while my eyes look back? My heart stays still and beats with pain. It pumps not blood but feels like it pumps lead.

Wash your hands in the corruption of my soul.

What have I become? A sleepless fool, and all for you. But you don't care. Not at all.

I walk around through the world all alone. The faces turn to look and my mind is on you, and only you. How do I win this game we play. How to we unite and become the one we want to be, forever. You are hot when I am cold, and cold when I am hot. All I have is the best of intentions. I can't build you a castle but you are the princess of my heart. Come to me someday.

I open the door and look into the world. It stares back at me and asks for mercy. I feel not, care not except for one and She knows who she is. Beautiful blond hair like a field of barley ready for harvest. Her soft fair skin. She isn't mine but I wish she were with everything I had. I could have her and someday I will. Now I only dream of her.

Delicately balancing on the edge of the world centimeters from falling into wrong but not in right. The difference between it all is where I am, the thin line between love and hate.

Who am I to you? A toy to entertain you? A blanket to keep you warm? Or a dream help you sleep? Whatever I am it hurts inside and out. I feel like a toy want to play with. A blanket you use for comfort. A dream you instill in my heart then show me reality is far different.

The beautiful things are untouchable, if you do touch them they always hurt you. Break you inside for becoming attached. Beauty outside equals a tainted inside. Its the story of Dorian Gray. Leave the beauty alone, protect yourself.

What is it about the night? I cant sleep and the thoughts run rampant. It haunts me and my eyes won't shut.

Forgiven by the sun and haunted by the moon. My eyes are wide open as it judges me through the squinting slits between the blinds. The sun will soon greet me with a yawn and I will hide from it for a short while. Wants escape with their desires on their back while I am left here longing for something other then her to hold close at night. Drift away into a fantasy only to be awaken by a nightmare. Silence the singing and start dancing. Dance away with her into a different life you get paid to watch the sunset. Leave soon so I can have you and we can dance all we want. So that the Moon will forgive and the sun will stay too long.

Pleasure dances at your door while duty lazily sleeps in your easy chair. Happiness was taken away the other day and you are afraid to open the door to the pleasures dancing there. You know you should though

Dear you,
We have been over this before.
Before we have practically been one.
We shared everything, every day, every thought.
You said you wanted it to be forever. I did to.
Your actions prove differently. Pain.
You say you don't know why. I believe you.
You need help. I can't fix you.
It won't magically change.
This is me protecting my heart.
Goodbye my love.
I loved you with everything I had

Right is wrong and wrong is right. It is all whatever you want it to be. A house is a shoe and a shoe a boat. Let go and let live. Twirl away into the far distance. Forget their lies and dreams, right isn't always right and wrong isn't always wrong. Remember friend, remember.

The decision hangs directly in front of us no matter which way we look. Its as though we are caged in by it and our misfortune. We ask question like "why is it so hard?" Its an excellent question but here we sit dangling from a rope with hungry lions before us and a cackling God above sawing at the rope with dull knife. Will he pull us up or just keep cutting strands on the rope until we fall into unbearable pain. Here we hang in indecision with a decision that isn't ours to make. We are incapable yet the weight is entirely on us.

Talking to the walls. They have to listen. They have no where to go, and can't speak back. All else are waiting for their turn to talk, complain.

I have thought about it for quite a while, but maybe not long enough.
I am still lost without an answer and for that I apologize.
Dreams fill my waking hours and I sleep without dreams.
When the rain falls I wander through it without getting wet.
When the sun shines I find myself drenched.
When you wrap your arms around me I pull away.
Push my away and I will fight to hold you close.
The sun bakes down on my head and I sweat.
The sweat leads to smell and the smell to stench.
Do with it what you will.
My mind will carry me far and my feet will bring me back again.
My heart will always remain in distant lands unknown to all
But one single soul that has seen the inner workings of mine.
A simple kiss of innocence shared with an unknown.
I am broken but it is the only way I feel whole.

Witlessly I do, wistfully I go.

drought

Kept alive by bad decisions.

Words are unnecessary, actions unfair. Honesty lost on all, I care for your feelings but you don't care for mine. Its a mess really this thing we call humanity. What can I get from you? Listen to me but I won't do the same. Selfishness is the name of the game. Selfishness is the game.

I am happy when I don't think.. When I think and am reflective i become filled with angst and unrest. Which is better?

There is nothing more to say....It has all been said. It has been said well and it has been said poorly.

Drink up the beauty that glistens in the sun. Don't ignore, however, the beauty that sparkles with rain drops. Its all equal, neither is better than the other, its all equal. The secret is to appreciate it all.

I don't get it. She fascinated me. Her scent, her beauty, her confidence. Perhaps I felt sorry for her. She was beautiful, fascinatingly beautiful. Maybe I will see her again.